nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
