I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
