Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I want a musical about memes.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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