If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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