i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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