she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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