I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
