College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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