I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
