someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My feet surprised me
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