Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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