i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
