I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
