I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
