It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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