WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
