did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
