Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize