Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
