And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
