last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
