If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
