how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
