Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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