It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
