He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
