i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
