Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
