can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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