Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
