So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize