He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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