i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
