imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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