if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
