I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
