my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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