So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize