I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
