he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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