Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
