there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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