he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
