Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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