Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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