mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
