Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
