I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
