im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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