I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
