So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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