I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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