I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
