doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
