You can't special order awesome
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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