"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
